Pants

I've been struggling to find clothes.  It's hard finding something affordable when you have a growing daughter...and husband (his gut, lol.) Anyway, I finally ordered 3 pairs of pants for myself and I'm pretty excited about it.  They are just kinda workout type pants but they'll be comfy.  I'm gonna just go for a relaxed & lazy look.  There's no point in dressing up all cute like just to have my daughter's diaper leak on me or to sit in chocolate or have boogers wiped on me, lol.  Right now my best pair of pants has a small hole, the size of a pin head in them.  That's the only pair I really go out into public wearing.  It's gotten pretty bad.  I keep getting clothes for them two and by the time I go to shop for myself the money's gone.  I'm pretty happy to be getting some new pants though.  I'm also hoping to get some new shoes with income tax.  I want to look nice and cute but we just can't afford it and since he's got his part time job and since she's a growing kid they just come first. I wish I could rush out and buy myself clothes and just say fuck it, but I can't allow myself to do that.  People tell me I need to focus on myself but how can I when I have a family that needs things as well?  If I'm naked and can't afford clothes it's alright as long as they are taken care of.

Heh, I almost posted this as a facebook status but I'm far too afraid of people knowing how bad off we are.  I know no one reads this and it's a great place to vent.

It's been a few months...

I think this blog is more for me to have a place to vent than anything else.  I created a new blog but that's specifically for my writing and poetry.  This is my new blog for writing: http://poeticdragonfire.wordpress.com/

I'm normally down and depressed because the lack of real friends in my life.  Lately I've been in a great mood.  I've replaced the floor in our bathroom all on my own.  It's been a while since I had this feeling of extreme pride.  I'm very happy with myself.

I've been thinking a lot about the future.  I'm trying to get approved for disability for my disorders. (Bipolar, Social Anxiety, General Anxiety and Agoraphobia..."  I'm hoping I can get approved.  If we can get back on our feet and be able to support ourselves alright I'd like to add another member to the family.  The place we are buying is only a 2 bedroom, though.  It was meant to be a 3 bedroom but we didn't find out they lied until we moved out here.  I'm thinking that if we have a child, though.... for the first year it can sleep in a crib in our room.  Maybe if it's a second girl they can share a room.  

My birth control stops being effective in 2 years.  I think that when it runs out I might just see what happens.  If things are super rough, though.... I might get another IUD.

Anyway...

I'm pretty stoked my house is being repaired.  I'm even more excited that I'm the one doing the work!

My secret rant on a public blog

No one reads  this.

No one at all.

I randomly post on here thinking that maybe...somewhere...someone is reading what I typed...but they aren't.  No one is reading this and no one really cares what's new in my life.

I'm bipolar and right now I'm down....

I moved all the way across the country with my husband and raised my daughter for her first two years.  I had only one friend.  She was a cunt.  I don't know why I allow myself to befriend such poisonous people.  It seems as though no one wants friendship anymore just for the sake of friendship.  She was after free stuff and money.  She trashed my home and ruined a lot of my daughter's possessions.  The worst part of it all? She has already bred.  She's got two asshole sons who are worse than she is.  They destroy everything they come into contact with and are just a disease among humanity.  Why are they like this? They are like this because they are the spawn of a spoiled, selfish, greedy, arrogant, backstabbing whore.

Ok, enough of that mini rant...

I'm here right now because the only real friend I have is the internet.  I may as well just be typing in a note pad document and save it to my desktop...I'd get the same amount of views either way....

The internet is my only friend.  I don't have a best friend.  I don't even have a regular friend.  No one wants to spend time with me because the only people I know are too busy to come see me or make time for me.  I had several people act excited that I was returning home.  I thought that I would have real friends.  I thought that at least one person would want to spend time with me.

I was wrong.

I want someone to talk to...laugh with...watch TV, play games...go to the movies...craft with!  I want someone to enjoy my company and I theirs.  I want to feel like more people in the world care about me.  Sure, I have a husband and a daughter...but is that all their is?  Am I to have no real friends?

It seems as though the only friends I attract are those greedy bastards who hope they can get something out of me.  Now that I've moved back and we are still trying to get on our feet no on wants to make time for me.  I guarantee you though...once we get a steady income my "friends" will be lining up for miles.

Anyway, dear friend the internet, you seem to always be here for me.  I only wish I could say that about a person.

Why, Hello!

     It appears to be time to post another update.  I think I shall stick with my theme of lists.


What's New With Me:
-Our daughter is now 2 years old.  We had her birthday party in Virginia.
-While on vacation in Va I got so home sick that we house hunted while we were there...and found one!  We'll be moving in the beginning of August.
-I lost my best friend.  She was a bitch who destroyed my house while I was gone and I hope she gets hit by a very large train and is then in a coma.  I hope that while in that coma she is in immense amounts of pain but the doctor's don't know and don't treat her for it and she spends several months to several years in agonizing coma pain.  I hope she wakes only to find her family has abandoned her and then on her way out of the hospital she gets hit by a truck.  Lather, rinse, repeat.
- I got new glasses!
-Felix has some issues we are working on getting diagnosed :/


New Things I've Recently Discovered That I LOVE:
-Doctor Who!!
-Soda Stream, it makes better soda that the name brands!
-My Little Pony, it's not just for kids...this show is awesome!
-Trader Joes....affordable AND tasty!

Things I Should Like Because of My Gender but DON'T: 
-Shoes
-Clothes Shopping
-Makeup
-Weird Hair Dos
-Dresses/Skirts
-Handbags
-Sex and the City
-Soap Operas
-Duck Face
-Slutty Dancing
-Romance Novels
-Throwing up
-Muscular Guys

Things I Shouldn't Like Because of My Gender but DO:
-Anime
-Marvel
-The Big Bang Theory
-Sex.  Lots of it.  I have Sex on the brain more than most men, lol.
-Books
-Zombies
-Vampires--- no, REAL vampires.  Get that's sparkly ass out of my face.
....pretty much anything geeky.  I also enjoy camping.  I do not fear breaking nails.

Things I Never Thought I'd Do... but Do:
-Become so crafty.  Love me some pinterest.
-Clean spit up out of my bra while trying to order a meal on mother's day.
-Sit down and actually ENJOY children's shows like Yo Gabba Gabba....
-Drive a car while simultaneously trying to soothe a screaming baby and listen to GPS directions.
-Lie to my doctor's receptionist because I'm too embarrassed to say I can't make my appointment because I'm too tired or was so busy I forgot to wash clothes and would be naked if I did show up....
-Put a binky that fell on the ground into my mouth to "clean" it so I can give it back to my kid.  Don't you judge me!
-Wear "normal" clothes.  I have to say I really miss my goth days.
-Sneak food and eat it.  Have you ever tried to eat a cookie in front of a toddler?  Yea.  Lol
-Go Green.  I cloth diaper, recycle, use green cleaning products, don't buy Styrofoam.... I never thought I'd be this person.

That's it for my random lists for now.  :)

Tiz Update Time Once Again

Lately I've been really homesick. I know that a nice visit back home will be a cure, but I can't afford it. Even if I convinced Mark and Mom to let me and the baby go alone to show her off and what not, it's still at least $500 for a round trip ticket. I am sad. Anywho, here is some more lists.

Things that I've gotten more of since Zoey started sleeping in her room:

• Sleep
• Sex
• Cuddles
• Space (No bassinet)
• Worried...afraid of SIDS.....

What I wanted to do on Mother's Day Vs. What I actually did:

• Go to the Park/Stayed Home
• Have nice uninterrupted dinner at Shari's/Got spit up on at Shari's
• Make Love/Slept

Things that Zoey has accomplished (somewhat) since my last update:

• She stares at a toy and goes after it
• Sometimes she hits said toy
• She has giggled (somewhat) once, in her sleep
• She smiles because she is happy, not because she let a big steamer loose in her diaper
• She has found more heart wrenching ways to cry
• It seems like she realizes when she is going to get what she wants (bottle/diaper) she stops crying and has an "expectant" look on her face

Things that have changed with her:

• Strictly bottle fed
• Switching to ALL cloth diapers
• Going up in a size of clothes

Things that I wish I could do but can't because I don't have a babysitter:

• Have a night just for me and Mark at home
• Go see a movie
• Go visit a bar/club
• Amusement Park (Do they even have those out here???)

Things I want to do as a family when Zoey is old enough:

• Disney World
• Carnivals
• Circuses
• Trips to the Beach

Current Goals:

• Eat Better
• Start Working Out
• Lose Weight
• Start & Finish College
• Mark Gets A Job
• Eventually get a better car
• Start paying own bills

That's just about it for now. I am home sick and I want to go home. I know its better for Zoey here so at least for now I want to stay here, but a visit would be nice.

Motherhood...

Things I love:

• I love seeing my little girl stare back at me
• I love it when she smiles
• I love it when she is asleep and peaceful
• I love it when people tell me how adorable she is
• I love how my husband looks at her, how he holds her and bonds with her
• I love that I have a reason to live a better life
• I love being told how well of a job I am doing taking care of her

Things I hate:

• I hate not being able to get a full night of sleep
• I hate that there are days when no matter what I do she will not sleep in her bed
• I hate having to be extra careful and being worried
• I hate that diapers and formula are expensive
• I hate that I can't do things on a whim anymore
• I hate the sound of a high pitched cry
• I hate not having more time with my husband
• I hate having to stop having sex because the baby starts crying

Things I miss about being pregnant:

• I miss having my belly rubbed by my husband
• I miss the random kisses he gave me, the attention and extra love
• I miss looking forward to the delivery day
• I miss ultrasounds and doctor appointments
• I miss the smiles I would get from random women at grocery stores
• I miss baby shopping
• I miss being asked when I am due or what I am having
• I miss fantasizing about being a mother

Things I look forward to:

• When she calls me mommy
• When she takes her first step
• When she giggles
• When she reaches for me
• Fixing boo boos and uh ohs
• First Christmas, birthday, Halloween, etc.
• Family Vacations
• Hugs
• Kisses
• Family portraits
• A full night of sleep
• Play dates
• Tea Parties
• Dress Up
• Barbies
• Imagination
• Pictures on the fridge
• Mothers Day
• Carnivals
• Stray Pets and Found Posters
• School Projects
• Pig Tails
• Pot and Pan Drum Sets
• Checking for Monsters
• First Pet
• Tooth Fairy
• Hide and seek
• hand picked bouquets
• I love yous

I am exited, scared, happy and sad all at the same time and all for different reasons.

Too Pregnant to Elaborate

These are my life updates as of now:

• I am a gestational diabetic
• I am 32 weeks pregnant
• I am having a GIRL that we plan to name Arizona Raine aka Zoey
• Mark and I have moved into the upstairs duplex with our two cats. Zoey has her own room!
• We've got most of the essentials to bring home baby, all but a travel system, changing pad, diaper pail, changing cover, nursing pads, baby monitor and storage for her room.
• I am doing my online classes even though most of my work gets turned in late with all of the appointments.
• Zoey is in a head down position, we were worried that she was going to stay breech.
• Mark got a job that was seasonal and now the season is over so he is jobless again.
• My cat is currently chasing a fly around the house, she has wounded it.

Things I miss:

• I miss chocolate.
• I miss being able to move and get out of bed on my own.
• I miss walking, all I do now is waddle.
• I miss poptarts.
• I miss sleeping on my stomach.
• I miss being able to get my chores done without help and without going breathless.
• I miss when stairs were not a challenge.
• I miss clothes that fit
• Sometimes I miss smoking
• I miss being a coffee addict
• I miss sex.

Things I am enjoying:

• My bigger breasts
• Mark's bigger breasts
• Feeling my baby move
• Child birth classes
• Having my own place
• Having someone to rub my feet, back, legs, etc.
• Having help around the house
• Having Mark put his hands and head on my belly to feel Zoey.
• My stinky preggo farts that can be used as a weapon, especially with a skirt (Portable dutch oven!)
• Having a reason to eat healthier
• Being a family

Things I am looking forward to:

• The birth of my daughter
• My daughter's first pictures
• Coming home with baby
• Finishing the nursery
• New parents class
• Play dates
• Breastfeeding
• Sending out birth announcements
• Going back to VA to visit
• Having sex!!!
• Being on birth control until we are ready for baby number 2 (this means more SEX!)
• Holding my baby
• Watching Mark hold our baby
• Watching Mark bond with our baby
• Watching Mark change all the diapers...hehehehehe
• My first Mothers Day
• Mark's first Fathers day

As you all can see, life is going by quickly...well for you readers anyway...for me its taking FOREVER! Anyway, I am really exited about having this baby girl. I can't wait to be a mommy!